Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Jesus is watching You

Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed through the living room, he heard a voice say: Jesus is watching you!'

Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. 'Jesus is watching you' - said the voice.

The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.

'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?' he asked.

'Yes' said the parrot.

The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, 'What's your name?'

'Clarence' answered the bird. 'That's a dumb name for a parrot,' sneered the burgler. 'What idiot named you Clarence?'

The parrot's answer: 'The same idiot who named the Bulldog, Jesus.'

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Is Your Cat from Outer Space?

Cats from Outer Space

Have you ever suspected that your cat may be from another planet?

Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing on top of you, peering into your face, as if poised to perform some diabolical extraterrestrial experiment?

When you feed your cat, does he or she look up at you skeptically as if to say, "My rations in the space pod were much better than this."

If so, your cat may be from outer space....

Many people live with cats from outer space. They may not realize it for years. Then one day, they're reading the Weekly World News and they notice that the pictured space aliens bear remarkable similarity to the moony-eyed, pot-bellied feline enigma crunched on their lap.

Reading further, they begin to suspect that their own cat may be involved in the alien abductions. They consider bringing it up with the cat, but fear that they themselves may end up rocketing across the galaxy on a spaceship full of cats, an empty bag of kibble stuffed in their mouth.

How to Tell If Your Cat Is from Outer Space

If you suspect that your cat may be from another planet, ask yourself these questions:

- Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat fighting with extraterrestrial beings from another dimension that no one but the cat can see?

- Does your cat often simulate life in an anti-gravity environment by rolling on his back to look at you upside down, or stretch into peculiar ballet positions in your arms? Does your cat pretzel into strange sleeping postures that suggest she has undergone extensive astronaut training?

- Does your cat try to communicate with extra terrestrials by meowing at the TV, sitting on short-wave radios, lying on the computer monitor, or in any way attempting to serve as an antenna for a piece of consumer electronics?

- Does your cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving radio messages from the mother ship through the plasterboard?

- Does your cat respond to the phrase "Beam me up!"

- Does your cat respond to anything in Klingon?

- Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her litter box so that it looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?

- Does your cat's style of communicating with your computer seem more advanced than your own? For instance, does the cat sit on the monitor and look at it upside-down, or lay on the keyboard until the computer won't stop beeping?

- Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are sometimes-- and superior to you as well?

If you've answered "yes" to any of the above, your cat may be a visitor on earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance information to aid his race in their plan to conquer human civilization and blanket the earth with carpet-covered kitty condos. Whatever you do, don't give him directions to the carpet store.

What Cats from Outer Space Look Like

Cats from outer space look very much like ordinary cats. They have four feet, a tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side to side to pick up sounds from deep space, and eyes that look at you as if they can't believe how dumb you are. In addition, they are remarkably adept at getting you to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do: like pulling yourself out of bed at 3 a.m. to freshen the bowl of liver bits, or opening the back door a dozen times in less than an hour to let the cat in and out.

What to Feed Cats from Outer Space

Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space will be as good as what they ate on their home planet--and they will remind you of this frequently. So don't even try to placate them.

Special Care Tips for Cats from Other Planets

Remember that sometimes your cat will slip into an alternate universe in which he will confuse you for a giant spaceship vending machine--one that he needs merely to stand in front of meowing in order to elicit bowls of tuna and bits of cheese. Depending upon what corner of the galaxy your cat harkens from, he may confuse you for a robot instead--one that he must repeatedly trip in order to procure treats and transport from.

How Cats from Outer Space Differ from Cats Who've Been Abducted by Aliens

Finally, you should not confuse cats from outer space with those who've been abducted by aliens. While the two kinds of cats are similar in many ways, cats who've been abducted by aliens like to run through the house crazily at night, jumping over furniture and scooting behind potted plants, re-enacting their escape from green men in saucer-shaped ships.

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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What is green and goes red at the flick of a switch?

What is green and goes red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a blender.

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Animal Jokes - Got any corn

A duck walks into a bar jumps up on a barstool and ask the bartender "hey bartender you got any corn?" The bartender says "no we don't have any corn!"
A few minutes later the duck asks again "hey bartender you got any corn"? the bartender says "no we don't have any corn!!"
A few minutes later the duck asks again "hey bartender you got any corn?" by now the bartender is pretty fed up and says "no damnit we don't have any corn and if you ask again I'm going to nail your bill to this bar!!" A few minutes later the duck asks "hey bartender you got any nails?" the bartender says "no we don't have any damn nails!!" and the duck says "good,you got any corn?".

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Going to be a mother...

Going to be a mother...
At the New Year`s eve party at a fashionable hotel a girl was overheard talking to her boy friend, "Don`t get tense and worried Hakka- when I told you that I was going to be a mother, I only meant yours.
Yes, next month I am going to marry your father."

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why can't you tell a secret on a farm?

Why can\'t you tell a secret on a farm?
answer: the corn has ears,the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk

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