Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Jesus is watching You

Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed through the living room, he heard a voice say: Jesus is watching you!'

Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. 'Jesus is watching you' - said the voice.

The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.

'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?' he asked.

'Yes' said the parrot.

The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, 'What's your name?'

'Clarence' answered the bird. 'That's a dumb name for a parrot,' sneered the burgler. 'What idiot named you Clarence?'

The parrot's answer: 'The same idiot who named the Bulldog, Jesus.'

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Is Your Cat from Outer Space?

Cats from Outer Space

Have you ever suspected that your cat may be from another planet?

Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing on top of you, peering into your face, as if poised to perform some diabolical extraterrestrial experiment?

When you feed your cat, does he or she look up at you skeptically as if to say, "My rations in the space pod were much better than this."

If so, your cat may be from outer space....

Many people live with cats from outer space. They may not realize it for years. Then one day, they're reading the Weekly World News and they notice that the pictured space aliens bear remarkable similarity to the moony-eyed, pot-bellied feline enigma crunched on their lap.

Reading further, they begin to suspect that their own cat may be involved in the alien abductions. They consider bringing it up with the cat, but fear that they themselves may end up rocketing across the galaxy on a spaceship full of cats, an empty bag of kibble stuffed in their mouth.

How to Tell If Your Cat Is from Outer Space

If you suspect that your cat may be from another planet, ask yourself these questions:

- Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat fighting with extraterrestrial beings from another dimension that no one but the cat can see?

- Does your cat often simulate life in an anti-gravity environment by rolling on his back to look at you upside down, or stretch into peculiar ballet positions in your arms? Does your cat pretzel into strange sleeping postures that suggest she has undergone extensive astronaut training?

- Does your cat try to communicate with extra terrestrials by meowing at the TV, sitting on short-wave radios, lying on the computer monitor, or in any way attempting to serve as an antenna for a piece of consumer electronics?

- Does your cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving radio messages from the mother ship through the plasterboard?

- Does your cat respond to the phrase "Beam me up!"

- Does your cat respond to anything in Klingon?

- Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her litter box so that it looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?

- Does your cat's style of communicating with your computer seem more advanced than your own? For instance, does the cat sit on the monitor and look at it upside-down, or lay on the keyboard until the computer won't stop beeping?

- Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are sometimes-- and superior to you as well?

If you've answered "yes" to any of the above, your cat may be a visitor on earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance information to aid his race in their plan to conquer human civilization and blanket the earth with carpet-covered kitty condos. Whatever you do, don't give him directions to the carpet store.

What Cats from Outer Space Look Like

Cats from outer space look very much like ordinary cats. They have four feet, a tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side to side to pick up sounds from deep space, and eyes that look at you as if they can't believe how dumb you are. In addition, they are remarkably adept at getting you to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do: like pulling yourself out of bed at 3 a.m. to freshen the bowl of liver bits, or opening the back door a dozen times in less than an hour to let the cat in and out.

What to Feed Cats from Outer Space

Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space will be as good as what they ate on their home planet--and they will remind you of this frequently. So don't even try to placate them.

Special Care Tips for Cats from Other Planets

Remember that sometimes your cat will slip into an alternate universe in which he will confuse you for a giant spaceship vending machine--one that he needs merely to stand in front of meowing in order to elicit bowls of tuna and bits of cheese. Depending upon what corner of the galaxy your cat harkens from, he may confuse you for a robot instead--one that he must repeatedly trip in order to procure treats and transport from.

How Cats from Outer Space Differ from Cats Who've Been Abducted by Aliens

Finally, you should not confuse cats from outer space with those who've been abducted by aliens. While the two kinds of cats are similar in many ways, cats who've been abducted by aliens like to run through the house crazily at night, jumping over furniture and scooting behind potted plants, re-enacting their escape from green men in saucer-shaped ships.

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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What is green and goes red at the flick of a switch?

What is green and goes red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a blender.

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Animal Jokes - Got any corn

A duck walks into a bar jumps up on a barstool and ask the bartender "hey bartender you got any corn?" The bartender says "no we don't have any corn!"
A few minutes later the duck asks again "hey bartender you got any corn"? the bartender says "no we don't have any corn!!"
A few minutes later the duck asks again "hey bartender you got any corn?" by now the bartender is pretty fed up and says "no damnit we don't have any corn and if you ask again I'm going to nail your bill to this bar!!" A few minutes later the duck asks "hey bartender you got any nails?" the bartender says "no we don't have any damn nails!!" and the duck says "good,you got any corn?".

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Going to be a mother...

Going to be a mother...
At the New Year`s eve party at a fashionable hotel a girl was overheard talking to her boy friend, "Don`t get tense and worried Hakka- when I told you that I was going to be a mother, I only meant yours.
Yes, next month I am going to marry your father."

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why can't you tell a secret on a farm?

Why can\'t you tell a secret on a farm?
answer: the corn has ears,the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk

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Drunken Duck

A duck walks into a drugstore, and asks the cashier if he has any beer. The man says 'No, this is a Drugstore, we don't sell beer here' The Duck leaves, and returns home. The next day, he comes back to the store and asks the cashier again. The man then replies, 'I told you yesterday! We dont' sell beer here! If you ask me one more time, I am going to nail your feet to the floor!' The ducks leaves again. One final time the duck enters the store the next day, and this time says, 'Do you have any nails?' The Man replies, 'No' The duck then says, 'Do you have any beer?'

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Animal Jokes - Dinosaur

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Answer: alickolotapuss!

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nimal Jokes - Dead Fish

Little Tim was in the backyard filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing. He politely asked, 'What are you up to there, Tim?' 'My goldfish died,' replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.' The concerned neighbor said, 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?' Tim patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat!'

Cow With No Legs

Q: What do you call a Cow With No Legs?

A: Ground Beef!

Animal Jokes - Cow Joke

What did the cow say to the elephant?

Animal Jokes - Confused

Q:There is something that flys and says meow meow what is it?
A:A cat has been kicked.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Blonde Owl

Q - What does a blond owl say?
A - What,what?

Blonde Coyote

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Bear Warning!!

Resently Fish, Wildlife, And Parks have posted warning signs in all Sporting Goods stores, and at all camp grounds in Montana. Due to the dramatic rise of the bear population in Montana. The Sign reads as follows:
WARNING! To the increased number of bear sightings in Montana's National Forests we have desided to post this flyer. When going into bear country one should always carry pepper-spray and wear cowbells. And when you are in bear country you need to know what species of bear you may encounter. In Black Bear country you will see small footprints with short claws, and occasionally a torn up bush. In Grizzly Bear country you will find large footprints, with long claws, and there will be stumps uprootedand torn apart. The easiest way to tell what bear you may encounter is by looking at the droppings. Black bear droppings have small bones, berry seeds, and sometimes fur. Grizzly bear droppings however have cowbells and smell like pepper spray! So PLEASE be careful!

bear and the rabbit

there was a bear and a rabbit they both hated each other and one day they were walking through the woods when they saw a golden frog. the golden frog said i dont see many people but when i do i grant them three wishes each so the bear and the rabbit were getting ready to make their wishes.the bears first wish was for all the bears in the woods to be female .so the frog granted his wish.then the rabbit wished for a motorbike helmet.the frog granted his wish.then the bear wished for all the bears in the woods next to his woods to be female.the frog granted it.then the rabbit wished for a moterbike.the frog granted it.for the bears final wish he wished for all the bears in the whole world to be female.the frog granted it.the the rabbit puts his helmet on jumps on his motorbike and ses i wish the bear was gay and the rabbit drove off.


A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, 'Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?'
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, 'Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?'
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, 'Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?'
'Oh, no!' the little girl replied. 'Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.'

A one horse town?

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says,"Hey buddy, why the long face?"

A Dog's Pet Peeves

1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.2. Yelling at me for barking...I\'M A FRIGGIN\' DOG!!3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn\'t all over everything while you\'re gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?!4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose..........stop it.6. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why\'d you buy carpet?7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven\'t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you\'re just jealous.9. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you\'re not home.11. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?12. Taking me to the vet for \"the big snip,\" then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back. 13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
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A Cat Goes to Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best


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Jokes - Breast Enlargement

After many years of marraige, a wife went to her husband and said that she would like to have breast enlargement surgery. The husband disagreed with using their hard earned money for something he thought of as frivolous, so he offered an alternative method:
\"Several times a day, go into the bathroom, take some sheets of toilet paper off the roll, and rub them between your breasts. Over time, they will become naturally larger!\"
She thought about it for a second, then asked \"Will that work?\"
He replied, \"It worked for your ass, didn\'t it?\"

Jokes - Apples and Grapes

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don\'t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren\'t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they\'re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it\'s up to women to stomp the crud out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Jokes - Applicant

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, \"Have you ever been arrested?\" He answered, \"No.\"
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was \"Why?\" The applicant answered it anyway: \"Never got caught.\"
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Jokes - Project Manager

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Miami beach for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp.
As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says 'Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.'
The hardware engineer went first. 'I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.' The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. 'I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.' The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. 'And what would your wish be?' asked the genie. 'I want them both back after lunch' replied the project manager.

Dilbert's Law of Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

African King

The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.
After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank's business relationship.
So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.
The king thought for a while and said finally, 'No problem! I have, I have'.
One down, the lady thought up something more complex. 'My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France.'
The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, 'OK, I build, I build'.
Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.
Surely the king could not possibly fill this one. 'Well,' she said, 'You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis.'
The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, 'OK, OK, I cut, I cut'.

A Bunny's Wish

A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. 'I wish...that all the bears in this forest were female.' The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. 'I wish...that all the bears in this country to be female!' The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said, 'You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!' Then he asked for his last wish. 'I wish...that all the bears in this world to be female!' The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, 'I wish the bear was gay.'