Jokes - Applicant

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, \"Have you ever been arrested?\" He answered, \"No.\"
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was \"Why?\" The applicant answered it anyway: \"Never got caught.\"
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Jokes - Project Manager

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Miami beach for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp.
As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says 'Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.'
The hardware engineer went first. 'I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.' The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. 'I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.' The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. 'And what would your wish be?' asked the genie. 'I want them both back after lunch' replied the project manager.

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Dilbert's Law of Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

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African King

The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.
After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank's business relationship.
So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.
The king thought for a while and said finally, 'No problem! I have, I have'.
One down, the lady thought up something more complex. 'My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France.'
The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, 'OK, I build, I build'.
Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.
Surely the king could not possibly fill this one. 'Well,' she said, 'You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis.'
The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, 'OK, OK, I cut, I cut'.